Week Commencing

There was a ridiculous amount of sports news to cram into this post. This begged the question of how it could remain the pithy, witty bluffing resource we all know and love under the weight of such sporting tidings. The unlikely conclusion was a reversion to the Japaneses haiku……

Football

Prem won, Champions Lost:
Man U’s story of 2 leagues.
Barcelona’s best.

Chelsea’s FA Cup,
Hiddink’s a short-lived winner.
Good luck Ancelotti!

England/Kazakhstan,
Capello’s sixth win in row
Book seats for World Cup.

Tennis

Fed wins French Open
Equals record for majors:
Greatest player ever.

Cricket

20/20 time,
England humbled by the Dutch,
But Aussies are out!!!!

Rugby Union

Lions in SA,
English, Welsh, Scots and Irish
Get very muddy.

Formula 1

Hamilton blames car,
No British winner this year?
Button proves us wrong

Happy Haiku Bluffing.

Martyn

Week Ending 8/5/09

It has been an eventful sporting week. If you have somehow avoided the football, cricket and even the snooker then here is what you need to know.

Football

This week saw the semi-finals of the Champions League, the competition to decide who is the best team in Europe. The teams play each other twice (the games are referred to as legs) with each team having a “home leg” at their stadium and “away leg” at the opposition’s stadium.

On Tuesday Arsenal played Manchester United who had won the leg at their stadium 1-0. Despite Arsenal manger, Arsene Wenger, stating that his team will produce a “magnificent performance”, Man United win comfortably 3-1. Poor old Arsenal will have a fourth year without winning any competition.

In the second game Chelsea played Barcelona after a 0-0 draw in Spain. Chelsea score early and look like they are going to the Champions League final, particularly when Barcelona have a man sent off. Chelsea have 4 penalty appeals turned down, Barcelona score right at the end and Chelsea striker Didier Drogba goes mad at the referee and the many television cameras pointed in his direction. Sky have the embarrassment of replaying Drogba’s rant and editing IN (!) Drogba’s f-word. In America they would call it an oral malfunction. Barcelona go though on the “Away Goals” rule.* Given the number of penalties Drogba has won from “simulation” (diving to the floor pretending an opponent has hacked at your legs – aka cheating) it is suggested he left the pitching repeatedly crying wolf.

So Man United now play Barcelona in the final and the referee of the Chelsea game is in hiding in Norway

Indisputable fact that will make you look knowledgeable: Man United versus Barcelona will be a far more interesting final than Man United versus Chelsea.

High value question: What would Arsene Wenger’s reaction have been if they had been in Chelsea’s position. High Value Answer: He would have expanded into a giant hot air balloon and floated off into the night sky.

Cricket

England started their first test series of the summer against the West Indies. Wait a minute, weren’t England just playing the West Indies in the Caribbean. Well yes actually. The reason must be an experiment where two teams play each other, once in the balmy Caribbean and then in a cool, showery North London spring. Curiously the West Indies team look cold, miserable and are losing.

High Value Fact: England’s new star bowler is called Graham Onions. Cue headlines of “Onions brings tears to West Indian eyes”, “Onions slices through Windies” and “THAT SHALLOT Windies”.

Snooker

John Higgins beat Shaun Murphy by 18 frames (games) to 9 in the world championship. Nothing particularly excititing report except this was the first time the world championship had been refereed by a woman. As we are talking headlines this week, the most predictable one was:  “Michaela Tabb‘s big break!”

That’s all for now. Happy Bluffing!

Martyn

*The away goals rule states that if the scores are level after both legs, the team who scored the most goals at their oppoent’s stadium wins.

Week Commencing 6th April 2009

If a week is a long time in politics then, 10 minutes is an age in bluffing. Our aim is to sow a few choice sporting facts on our audience and see giant beanstalks of respect shoot up instantly in the minds of our colleagues. We do not want to be held to account for our sage predictions. But for every bluffer there comes a time when some colleague will try to show us up for a misplaced prediction. There are 3 tactics open to us in this event:

1. Make a polite request of the challenger to “Get a Life”

2. Airily suggest that it is one of the beauties of sport that it can make a fool of the wisest pundits (For more ammo on this see this link on Alan Hansen from Match of the Day http://www.independent.co.uk/life-style/keeping-his-eye-on-the-ball-alan-hansen-talks-with-james-rampton-1267927.html)

and only in the direst emergency…

3. Resort to the facts. For these unfortunate cases here are the facts behind some of the Bluffer’s Guide’s more questionable predictions over the past months

Prediction: Wales to win the Rugby Union 6 nations Result: Ireland win, Wales come a sorry fourth Excuse: Wales would have won the championship if they had kicked the final penalty of the game. I strongly suggest philosophically noting the fine line between success and failure in modern sport and walking off from your challenger whilst slowly shaking your head.

Prediction: Man United to win the league. Result: Had a few wobbles recently (losing to Liverpool and Fulham) but went back to the top of the Premier League yesterday after beating Aston Villa. Outlook: Hold on to your nerve with this one.

Prediction: Rebecca Adlington to win BBC sport personality of the year. Result: Third Place behind Chris Hoy (who won 3 golds at the Beijing Olympics) and Lewis Hamilton. Excuse: The Scotsman having thighs wider than your average car tyre won out over the homespun charm of the girl from Mansfield.

And the rest of the news…

Horse racing: 100-1 outsider Mon Mome wins the Grand National. Why is this important? Firstly the Grand National is the most prestigious race in the world where horses have to jump over fences (as opposed to flat racing). Secondly, it is the most popular race to bet on in the UK. Finally the bookmakers make lots of money when an outsider wins so today would be a good  day to have shares in Labrokes and William Hill.

Tennis: Andy Murray won the Miami Masters tournament yesterday. Much debate about whether he will move up in the rankings shortly from 4th to (shock, horror!) 3rd! As we are talking predictions this week, why not predict he will be 2nd to Rafael Nadal (whose biceps are only slightly narrower than Chris Hoy’s thighs) by the end of this year.

Formula 1: The improbably named Englishman Jenson Button has won the first 2 races of the season. Defending champion Lewis Hamilton is yet to score a point and is blaming it on his car. Apparently the engine overheats if the blowers aren’t on full…

Cricket: England have finally returned from the West Indies and actually won something: the 1-day series by 3 games to 2. High Value Question: Do you think Andrew Strauss has been a good captain? High Value Answer: The fact no one resigned, got sacked, went off in a sulk or needed rescuing from a pedalo is definite progress.

That’s it for now. Happy Bluffing!

Martyn

Week Commencing 15/2/09

It’s been a little while since the last post. This has been due an intensive period of bluffing field trips. As you are aware, this blog leaves no stone unturned to meet your bluffing needs and if that means going for a holiday to the Caribbean, then so be it!

Cricket

England are touring the West Indies. Their first match was in Jamaica and your committed blogger was there to see it. What happened? Well, England lost. Badly.

But let’s back up briefly. Firstly, what are the basics you need to know about the rules of cricket? Firstly, they are laws not rules. Secondly, only sitting in the Caribbean sun with a something cold and fizzy in your hand can make explaining the laws the least bit interesting. For those who care, see below.* For those of you with a basic grasp of the laws, England were all out for 51 which is awful. How awful? Well think of John Sergeant dragging his partner across the floor in Strictly Come Dancing and you get an idea of England’s humiliation.

Killer Fact: 51 is England’s 3rd lowest score in 130 years of playing international matches.

As the game finished early, I had the opportunity to introduce the great and the good of Jamaica to the Bluffer’s Guide to Sport. Below you can see 100 metres Olympic Champion Usain Bolt reading about the darts exploits of Ted “the Count” Hankey in last month’s post.

Meeting the world's fastest man - ever!

Killer fact: Usain Bolt broke the record for running the 100 metres last year in Beijing with a time of 9.72seconds. The extraordinary thing about this was that he eased off 20 metres before the end, looked around and all but waved at his Mum suggesting if he had really tried he could have gone even faster….

Football

All English football fans should be in mourning for the demise of “Big Phil” Scolari who was unceremoniously sacked by Chelsea. What was his crime? Did Chelsea get knocked out of the Champions League? Did they fall out of contention for winning the Premier League. No, it was much worse than this. They drew 0-0 with Hull!

Rugby Union

The 6 nations has started which consists of the leading rugby union nations in the northern hemisphere: England, Wales, Scotland, Ireland, France and Italy. Who will win? Wales. Are we sure? Almost as sure as we are that Manchester United will win the Premier League.

That’s all for now. Happy Bluffing!

Martyn

* The laws of Cricket: OK, think rounders. Surely you have played rounders. Each team has a go at hitting the ball until they are all out. This is called an innings. In International matches each team has 2 innings which are taken alternately. Whoever scores the most runs wins. For an amusingly unintelligible (but 100% accurate) explanation try this link: http://thewhizard.blogspot.com/2007/06/tea-towel-explanation-of-cricket.html. For a more intelligible explanation, look here: http://www.learn-cricket.com/eng/basics1.php

Week commencing 12/1/09

A Happy New Year to bluffers everywhere.

I hope you have had a relaxing holiday period free from the pressures of bluffing. Alas, those times are now over. With little to talk about but sport and the cold weather we must replenish our stocks of sporting minutiae.

Football
Most popular topic of conversation will be the Premier League. In previous years the top 4 has been as predictable as a Prince Harry gaffe. This year there is some genuine uncertainty.

Firstly the contenders for the title. Liverpool have been in the lead for some time but keep drawing against teams they should beat. Yesterday it was a 0-0 draw with Stoke. Also, their manager, Rafael Benitez, is showing the pressure having made a series of extraordinary charges against Manchester United and their manager, Alex Ferguson.  These relate to intimidating referees, getting preferential treatment when fixtures are scheduled and having a “whingey, whiney voice” (OK the last one was more implied than said).

Chelsea were the early favourites for the title. Following a 3-0 defeat to Man United, not to mention a draw with lowly Southend in the FA Cup, things are looking decidedly sticky for their manager “Big Phil” Scolari.

Arsenal are also struggling with Aston Villa overtaking them into 4th place. Arsene Wenger has blamed referees and the opposition not playing nicely although his team letting in too many goals could be another reason.

Which leaves Man United skulking their way to the front again. Maybe it will be predictable after all.

Cricket

Big news from England. The story goes like this. England appoint their best player, Kevin Pietersen, as captain. He falls out with the coach Peter Moores and says either he goes or I do. The England cricket board consider their options and decide to go for the Macbeth ending (everybody dies). England appoint Andrew Strauss as their new captain and also fire the coach. What fun!

Darts

Bluff of the week concerns Ted “the Count” Hankey winning the BBC’s darts championship. The nickname relates to the fact he is a great fan of Dracula, enters the stage with a black cape on and throws rubber bats into the crowd.

High Value Question: What is the best darts tournament, the one on the BBC or Sky?

Answer: Sky has the best player in the world (Phil “the power” Taylor), but who cares when he does not have any rubber bats.

One to watch for this week

Andy Murray is the favourite for the Australian Open next week. Show your knowledge by asking if he will win it. Show more knowledge by saying that he has a better chance on the hard courts of Australia than the grass courts of Wimbledon.

That’s all for this week. Happy Bluffing!

Martyn

Week Commencing 10/11/08

At the end of the last Bluffer’s Guide you were left with a series of cliffhangers. You need go sleepless no longer:

1. Lewis Hamilton became the youngest Formula 1 motor racing champion ever. He needed to come 5th to win the championship.  And so he came ………5th, by overtaking the dramatically named Timo Glock on the final corner. Exciting? Yes. A cause of cringing headlines? You betcha! (“Saved by the Glock” and “Hamilton winds back Glock).

2. The $1million per player Stanford series. To recap, England played 1 game against the Stanford Superstars in the Stanford Super Series, held at the Stanford Cricket Ground, funded by Sir Allen Stanford. The Stanford Superstars won so they were happy. Sir Allen Stanford got people to keep mentioning Stanford so he was very happy. England got humiliated so they went home with no money and a lot of misery. High-value question: Did England’s players lose more money in 1 game than they could earn in a  year. The answer: not far off.

3. And also, there is a historic new leader of the free world but as he has nothing to do with sport this ranks as a poor 3rd in the headlines.

Football

A week of property boom highs and credit crunch lows.

Arsenal keep losing. Their manager, Arsene Wenger, looks under pressure. He blames everything apart from the shape of the ball being round for his team’s shortcomings. Then they beat Manchester United on Saturday and he is a genius again.

Tottenham: continue their feast/famine cycle with outstanding wins over Manchester City and Liverpool.

Chelsea have a wobble by losing to Roma in the European championship and to Burnley in the Carling Cup (the other cup in English football after the FA Cup) thus proving they are not fussy about where they lose.

Cricket

Australia lose to India by 2 games to 0. This is the first time Australia have lost a series by more than 1 game to anyone in the last 20 years. Cue worries in Australia and mass schadenfreude in every other cricketing country.

Rugby League World Cup

Firstly the difference between Rugby Union and Rugby League. For Rugby Union think 15 players, posh, the South, public schools and calling the referee “Sir”. For Rugby League think 13 players, working class, Wigan, pie and a pint and calling the referee “thou”. Look knowledgeable by saying that if Australia don’t win you will dress up as Santa Claus for the next 6 weeks.

That’s all for this week. Happy Bluffing!

Martyn

Week Commencing 28/10/08

In honour of the US Presidential election next week, we have an American-themed BGTS. Coinciding with American Football’s annual showcase at Wembley and the Baseball World Series, it is an excellent time for bluffers to expound on all things stars and stripes.

American Football

Summary in a Sentence: 11 men per side attempt to score points by throwing or carrying a ball into the opponents’ “end zone” (a bit like home base in Hide and Seek) or kicking it over the opponents’ goal posts.

Why top billing? Firstly, it is the most popular sport in the US. Secondly, every year 2 of the 32 teams that play in the National Football League (NFL) of America bring 50 players, lots of cheerleaders and very big flags to Wembley for a game. This happened last Sunday.

What is in it for the bluffer? Well, you will win respect for being aware that the game happened and pointing out that the New Orleans Saints beat the San Diego Chargers. You will win further respect if you mention that it is the most watched domestic sport in the world with an average of 67,000 fans per game (only bettered by Manchester United in the UK). You will bring the house down by knowing that the New Orleans cheerleaders are called the Saintsations.

Baseball World Series

The baseball season reaches it climax after a mere 162 games per team, followed by a series of play offs. It is said that the Americans don’t choose their next president until after the World Series is decided. Given that the series, for the first time ever, is in a state of delay due to rain it could be a case of “Rain stopped election”.

And for the Bluffer: the Philadelphia Phillies (imaginative nickname I think you’ll agree) lead the Tampa Bay Rays 3-1 and need only 1 more game to be “world” (see previous BGTS) champions. You may also note that tonight’s game has been delayed due to a Barack Obama 30 minute election broadcast. John McCain responded “No one will delay the World Series with an infomercial when I’m president.” Who says sport and politics do not mix?

Football round up (the real sort)

Chelsea’s 86 game unbeaten run at home comes to an end with defeat by Liverpool. High value question: do you think this mean Liverpool will win  the Premier League this year. The best answer is that for the first time in a long while it is possible.

Tottenham sack their once genius of a manager Juande Ramos and replace him with English-as-a pie-and-a-pint Harry Redknapp from Portsmouth. Thus continues the misery-joy-misery cycle at Tottenham for another season.

Cricket

America and cricket have mixed as well as oil and water since a certain event involving tea and a harbour in Boston. What does it take to blend them back together? Answer: a Texan billionaire named Allen Stanford who will spend $20 million on one game and a few willing players and officials. The deal: a one off game between England and Sir Allen Stamford’s chosen 11 where the winning players garner a tidy $1million apiece and the losers get nothing but their BFH*. Credit crunch? What credit crunch?

That’s all for this week. Happy Bluffing!

Martyn

*the bus fare home for those unfamiliar with the 80s sport-related quizshow, Bullseye.